Obama making life better for LBGT Inmates

May 17, 2012 by Leave a Comment

I know, I know. Inmates are inmates, but what if you or one of your loved ones found themselves as an inmate? Would you want the harassment and problems that face most LBGT inmates? I don’t think you would. LBGT inmates face a life of hell. Not only are they beaten up, verbally abused, mentally abuse, humiliated and so much more, they are also sexually abused by other inmates.

 

http://www.advocate.com/politics/washington-dc/2012/05/17/new-rules-target-sexual-assault-epidemic-among-lgbt-inmates

 

I have to say I am quite shocked at how much improvement for the LBGT community has come from Obama lately. I still haven’t personally made up my mind about him. I’m not sure if most of this is political things he’s doing to get the vote since it’s so close to vote time, or if he has a sincere desire to improve our lives. I guess only the future will tell us what he has in store. Maybe if we’re lucky we’ll get gay marriage legalized before he leaves (re-enters) office. Not sure what to think, tell me your opinions.

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Looking for something Special for you or Mom?

April 29, 2012 by Leave a Comment

They are running a contest here for the most sign ups for their new spring collection of Candles. These are the best candles I swear. Here join this link and you’ll be wondering why you didn’t get them before!!

Diamond Candles (have real diamonds in them)

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Doing the Impossible: Making a dream Come True

April 19, 2012 by Leave a Comment

Today, I was sitting at my desk, and finally decided today was going to be the day. I was going to start the steps in making my dream a reality. I am submitting my first erotica story to publishers today. I have to do it. I have to finally take the step towards my dream. No matter what kind of writing it is, as long as one day I see my name on a book as the author I will be happy. Sometime in the near future, I plan on making this my reality instead of my dream. I will work my heart out until this is accomplished. I know I’m a great writer, I just have to get my butt in gear to get it published. If anyone knows of any good sites to send it into please feel free to leave me a comment or email me at  Diabolicalkitty@awomanandherwand.com

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Review: G4 Big Boss Vibe

March 29, 2012 by 1 Comment

 

POW! Definitely the first words that came to mind when I saw this vibe. It’s a nice size and the silicone gives it just enough drag to make you feel wonderful. I’m talking about the G4 Big Boss Vibe that Babeland supplied for this review. I was so excited to get this and when the box came I don’t think I could have torn open the paper and box faster. Sadly, I didn’t read the directions well, and couldn’t figure out how to charge this. This was my first rechargeable vibe, and I definitely was impressed. I didn’t think a toy without batteries or being plugged into the wall was going to be good, but this definitely was. Measuring in at 9 3/4″ long and 1 3/4″ wide, I was definitely ready to try this out. Boy, I was disappointed in the fact I had to wait, it needed charging first.

I couldn’t figure out for the life of me how to charge this. The directions are very tiny, and there wasn’t any clear direct direction on how to plug this in. There was no port to plug anything in, and the charger was just some metal prongs. I tried and tried and tried to figure out how to charge this. After 1/2 hour, and help from another friend. We both felt really stupid when we realized that the word “FUN” on the front of the toy were metal, not silver color, and that is how you charge this toy. Well, off the toy went to the bedroom for a long charging and my impatience had to sit still for a couple hours.

Finally, it was time to try out one of the toys I had been waiting for for a long time. My partner and I were really surprised at the weight of the toy, but how easy it was to use. You can use lube with this, but only water lube, as silicone lube will break this down, as it’s a 100% silicone toy. Well, they say 100% silicone, but the handle is plastic and metal. I love how the handle is actually a loop handle instead of just something to hold on to. It made thrusting sooooo much easier. I have to say, having the excitement of getting to use this toy, we didn’t need any lube at all.

Very amazing feeling, and helped fill me up greatly. The G4 Big Boss is a great one to be able to work up to fisting too. The length of this was amazing, and the head of this was shaped like an actual penis head. The silicone was amazingly firm yet pliable, so that it didn’t hurt when thrusting. This is though, one of those toys that you would definitely want to work up to using if you aren’t used to larger toys. With the girth being 1 3/4″, it’s not the size of your normal toy. You want to be careful with thrusting, as with any toy, about hitting the cervix, you can cause damage, or permanent harm to the body. This toy can be used anally, but I would suggest using a condom unless that is the only way and only person this toy is going to be use for. This toy cannot be worn as a plug, but it really doesn’t have the possibility of getting lost inside the rectum. This toy is a tad bit too big for that possibility.

The controls were pretty easy to use. The buttons are on the handle and are touch activated. You really don’t have to push hard to get them to respond. They do light up so that it is possible to use this in the dark. You have a + sign, a – sign and a * sign on the handle for buttons. The star sign and the plus sign both can turn on the toy. The minus sign turns off the toy when held down and brought down to the lowest setting and then off. The plus sign increases the intensity of the toy. The star sign changes the patterns of the toy. Yes, this toy even has patterns. Honestly, they are patterns I’ve not seen in another toy. They aren’t your normal ones either. The patterns are as follows: bzzzzzz, stronger bzzzzzz, bzz bzzz bzz bzz bzzz, 3 quick bzz repeating, and low bzz getting higher then starting over.

The G4 Big Boss is not loud. It could be heard through a blanket but not through a door. Sadly, the highest setting can begin to numb your hand after a little bit. We decided to use this toy without the vibrations because the toy itself had more than enough sensation with the ridges along the length of the toy. The penis head also strokes the G spot just right, and if used well could cause squirting with the right person.

The funnest part of this toy, was when my partner decided she just couldn’t to see what the toy felt like herself. She thrust the toy inside me then herself. OMG the feeling was amazing and didn’t hurt at all. This toy was firm but pliable enough to do double vaginal penetration with. She said that the feeling was wonderful for her too. The toy didn’t hurt against her skin and didn’t hurt when thrusting either.

Overall I’d give this toy a 4 out of 5 stars. Only because the directions were not clear on how to charge this, which had little effect on the stars. The main reason this went down in stars is the fact this toy causes the hand numbing sensations. I hate that in a toy, and it causes me to want to use the vibrations less. I love toys that the vibration is in the head or body of the toy and less in the handle of the toy.

This toy I would recommend and have recommended to friends. Babeland right now even has the G4 Big Boss Vibe on sale (3/28/12) and at a great price.

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Theme: Thoughtful Thursdays

March 15, 2012 by 1 Comment

 

So close to spring being here full time gives me chills that this stupid winter depression is almost over. Sadly, i’m fighting within myself over my feelings for my children. i love my children to death, don’t get me wrong, but i’m feeling guilt, regret, and anger over the fact i became a mom so young. Yes, it was my choice, and no i wouldn’t change a thing. These are my kids and i love them. i just wish sometimes i had the chance to do whatever the hell i wanted. To be busy, or lazy, or just productive more than i feel like i can be some days. Some days i just wish to do whatever the hell i want and not worry about kids. Not to wake up at 7am every day thinking about kids, school, homework, dinner, kids clothes, when’s friday so they go to their dads, etc. Not to have to go to bed at night at 11pm thinking about kids and school and all the other stuff again. Just to be able to do whatever i want and not be held down by kids. Lita came to me for a hug this morning and i pulled her close and hugged her hard. i love them so much, and it’s my own selfishness that wants those things, not because i don’t love my kids. At least i’m not the only one feeling this way. It must be something everyone is feeling. i’ve talked to more than one person, Gerilynn included, that feel that way over their kids right now. Maybe it’s in the water.

Woke up with my face, head, and back all hurting today. Not a great day. Lucky enough, my therapist called me this morning, and i had my appointment over the phone instead of having to go in. She wanted to have lunch today, which would have been when my appointment was, so we just talked on the phone about yesterday, what’s happening over the weekend, the guy i met yesterday, and just bullshitted basically. Was nice to know when i’m in pain like this i don’t have to go out to the therapist today. So, i didn’t skip therapy, just changed how it happened, and when it happened. So i can get more things done today.

Ended up seeing on youtube this morning a lot of fairy tales are being remade into more adult versions. Not adult as in our kinky fucked up minds, but adult as in not cartoons, the main character kicking ass instead of sitting back waiting on prince charming to do all the work. i think it’s great that people are seeing fairy tales coming back to life and in whole new ways. Sometimes that’s all we need to see that even us, as normal, not fairy tale inclined people, can have dreams too. We can have our own fairy tales to come true for us, if we just work hard enough and be willing to make the changes we need to make in our lives to make the “impossible” more POSSIBLE.

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Theme: Thoughtful Thursday

March 8, 2012 by 1 Comment

Today is a day about therapy. Do you think you need therapy? Do you think therapy is a good healthy part of life that all people need? As submissive women and men, do you think that therapy is something needed?

Personally, I think therapy is something needed for everyone. Someone that doesn’t pass judgement on you or make you feel bad for the way you are feeling. Someone to help you when you really need it, and someone to vent to when there is no one else left to just let out all that anger and frustration to. I know being a slave myself, that honestly, if I was to say to my Master half the anger and frustrations that I have, I’d be in trouble a lot. That is something I definitely don’t want.

I have found that therapy has become my friend when things have become tough and cannot do them alone anymore. My therapist is great because she is very kink friendly, and what she doesn’t know she is willing to learn. Which having a therapist like this is more than awesome. She has helped me find my way back to the way of the living again and now feel like I am stuck in my head and my home.

Today we talked about new goals and objectives for me. I think this is something that everyone needs to do with their therapist. Keep this up to date as you achieve those goals.  Working towards goals with your therapist will help you find out what you need to work on and not play the game of going into his/her office and venting. If you don’t have goals to achieve than that therapy will just turn into a constant bitch and moan session.

My goals as of late are working on my agoraphobia, my depression, my decision making skills, and building healthy relationships. I know I have these problems and recognizing them and acknowledging them is my first step to making them better and not letting them rule my life. Sadly, too many people don’t do this. They don’t want to know what their problems are they just want to ignore them and pretend everything is good with them. I’m realistic. I know I have problems, and I am finding the ways to fix them and fix me so I can become a healthier person.

Finding ways to become a healthier person is the best way for any of us to find healthier places in ourselves and within our relationships. Just remember that and you’ll find yourself down a happier and healthier path for the rest of your life.

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Theme: Thoughtful Thursday

March 1, 2012 by Leave a Comment

 

Leap day. Such is the day for odd things to be happening to me. Elizabeth finished her room already. She knew exactly what she wanted and got it done quickly. Honestly, i think big brother Damon helped her out a lot. i’ll be posting what she wrote in our journal about what she wanted done. There is even a special place for “Uncle Tim” she says. Finding out that she cares for Him a lot too. In her own special way of course. She’s not really had others that cared for her or watched out for her so it’s a big deal for her.

The class Vina had me attend with her really was worth going to, even though i left a dance for it. Really, i didn’t want to go, but since it was my sister and she asked me, of course i’d go. i had no clue what the topic was on, but it happened to be something that we both needed. Hearing that i’m not the only subbie that is going through abuse (i know vina has too) or that goes through the non-stop put downs, helped me a lot. i made a new friend there, and hopefully we’ll support each other some.

The topic hit really close to home for me. It’s something i’ve always done and i hate that i do it. Some of the other girls really helped with things that help them. Vina made a really good point like affirmations. She brought up an idea about reading assignments? You’ll have to ask her because i think i’m as clueless about this as i can be. She also asked me to post my entries about the book too if i would. i will copy them over tomorrow. With all that has gone on, i think we are actually hopefully bonding a bit more as of late. She is really helping me and really helping me help myself.

Finding that putting myself down doesn’t help me or help You help me has really got me thinking why do i do it? It’s because my self worth has never been promoted or encouraged. It’s always been beaten down and has gotten me to beat myself down. Would i agree if Master would do it? Hell NO! i wouldn’t allow it. He’s an amazing wonderful man. Then why oh why can’t i believe it about myself? Because i haven’t gotten that from anyone. Master does though. He tries to uplift me in ways no one else ever has. i’ve only had crap for family, boyfriends, husband, doms, dommes, etc. BUT that is where i need to change things. Stop letting those sort of people into my life and stop believing the crap they’ve drilled into my head.

Sis asked me if i had ever read anything on protocols or learned anything about protocols. Honestly, no i haven’t. All that i’ve learned is sort of been picked up along the way. Some just watching others and learning from them. Honestly, i’ve had no formal training at all. Well really no training of any sort. It’s been more of just learning and doing as i go. That’s changing though with Master. He is helping me learn the way and the mannerisms, and so much more of being a slave. Honestly, i never thought i’d be here, calling myself a slave. i always fought with everyone, no no no i’m a submissive. i could never be a slave. Look here, i’ve changed that entire part of my life. i’m a happy slave girl and wouldn’t have it any other way. i want to be Master’s slave, owned property. i haven’t found myself in any happier place than being here, at His feet, serving Him, and pleasing Him. It is where i belong and hopefully exactly where i’ll stay.

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Theme: Thoughtful Thursday and Moving forward

February 23, 2012 by Leave a Comment

This morning as i laid in bed (fibro is flaring up) i realized that i needed to think hard on some things.

Thinking sometimes it’s really worth taking the time to think life through and the things you’ve been doing your entire life. i made a huge realization about my life. i’ve been running my entire life. When things got hard, i didn’t stand up and change them and make them work for me. When the times got tough i dealt with it because i had to. Not because i wanted to fix my life and make it better. i did make a step like that back in September when i made the move forward to move out on my own. i will say TCO this past year, but a huge step of moving my life the way i wanted it into my head. Past things are only past, they may make problems, but they do not make my future. i will make my future. i won’t let it take me over any longer. i’m ready to change things, work on my issues, and fight forward to make my life something i want it to be, to have a future that is worth having. i will NOT remove my collar because i want to run. i will hold onto it fast and take the strength i have gained, and fight the fight i have in front of me.

Sitting at the computer i did find some quotes that have made a huge impact on me today. i wrote them down in my physical journal to have them with me when life gets hard. i can look at them and remember, things aren’t hard because they are hard, they are a stepping stone in my journey to a better me and a better future.

“It is sometimes hard to cross that bridge, try something new, or make that change. BUT once you do, you will realize, that things are usually never as bad as we imagine.”   -Michelle C. Ustaszeski

This was huge for me to read this morning. Especially with all the change that came forward for me last night. i realized with some help that i had been crossing personal boundaries that i didn’t realize i was crossing. i had been forgetting to ask permission to touch, and that is a huge thing i don’t like doing. Sometimes i hate to be touched, and i hate that i haven’t been good about it. NO MORE! Moving forward, making that change was huge for me. i didn’t want this to make me feel bad, but it did.

That is why i said that it was a trigger for me, because one thing after another, brings those tapes up, that i’m not good enough, why would someone want me. Master and others don’t know all the things my step-father used to say to me. They are triggers that set into motion horrible tapes i hate to hear. BUT, i will tell You from now on when it’s triggering something, take a break, breathe, and finish my conversation, and work through these things. i will not them rule me anymore. i rule my life!

“Most of us, swimming against the tides of trouble the world knows nothing about, need only a bit of praise or encouragement and we will make the goal.”   -Jerome P. Fleishman

This one statement stood out to me beyond most. It basically has been saying what i’ve been trying to convey to Master all week. Without sounding like a broken record. It is exactly what i need and how i feel. That is just that.

“Over-thinking ruins you. Ruins the situation, twists things around, makes you worry and just makes everything much worse than it actually is.”    -unknown

My Goddess, if i wasn’t looking for this, it would have bitten me. This is exactly what i have been doing my whole life. Exactly why the tapes have been able to take over at times and allowed me to believe the tapes. i am only what i believe myself to be because i over-think EVERYTHING in my life. i need to learn to take everything, face value, and work on it just as it is. Just because someone says hey we need to work on this, doesn’t mean, i’m worthless, they don’t want me, i’m not good enough for anyone, etc etc. It just means i need to work on something. Stop thinking other things that aren’t true, just listen to face value and i’ll do better. i can’t promise over night change, but i can promise it won’t be happening as much anymore.

“The amazing thing about life, is that you choose what you allow into it, you choose how things affect you, you choose how to react to it. Happiness is a choice. Make it!”   -unknown

Yes! Exactly what i think i’ve needed to hear also. i have to quit letting my reactions be to the tapes and bad thoughts, and make them positive more happy reactions. Find ways to work through things with others, and find positive ways to live my life. i am not allowing life’s situations take ahold of me anymore. i am the boss, i am the one who is in charge here. With that, i have given control to my Master, and with that control, i have learned i must trust Him, and trust that He will help me lead my life to a better place. i miss You too Master.

“You can’t heal what you refuse to confront.”  -unknown

OMG yes! i’ve refused to confront the tapes, i’ve refused to confront the pain and find a way to make it go away or at least turn down. i haven’t confronted my past, and with the fact my step-father is dead, is going to be hard, and i will have to find a way to be creative and deal with this. Maybe it is time for me to find a way to confront my mother and deal with her, before i can deal with the issues with my father. With her still alive, it is something physically i can do.

“Good friends help you find important things when you have lost them…your smile, your hope, and your courage.”   -Doe Zantamata

In the past couple days, my mind has drifted to thinking i was losing my friendship with Kyndyl. In reality, i wasn’t losing my friendship, i was gaining insight that i had lost. They were being a true friend to me. Helping me find my way, find my smile, my hope, and my courage again. i am sorry to the group, for thinking this. i was lost, and i think with you, i am finding my way again. Thank you for being the friend i’ve always needed, but you came along when it was time for me to find my own path and my own way. Thank you for holding my hand and walking along with me. You have made this journey, much better, much happier, and much less lonely.

“I guess we are who we are for a lot of reasons. AND maybe we’ll never know most of them. BUT even if we don’t have the power to choose where we come from, we can still choose where we go from there.”  -Stephen Chbosky

i have not been able to choose my past, but i can choose my future. i will make my path, i will make my memories and i will find the chapters in my life to follow the story i wish to have for my life. i’m sick of the stupid tapes in my head finding what they want and getting me to think things that aren’t true. my story and my life are mine to make and to unfold. No more letting others have power over my story and no letting others have the power to affect my story. ENOUGH, this is mine! i am moving forward and finding where i am going from here….one place….FORWARD!

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Theme: Thoughtful Thursdays

February 16, 2012 by Leave a Comment

 

How do you figure out if your relationship has gone stale? How do you figure out if the person whom you live with and “loves” you doesn’t really love you anymore? Are you living two separate lives? 

Today I realized that with me and my partner Sophie. We live together 24/7 with my 3 children. We have been living this way since September, but have been living together with others since this time last year. We seem to be living our own lives living under the same roof. We only seem to interact when it comes to the children. I honestly, feel like I’m being played a fool. I feel like she stays here because it’s comfortable for her. I worry that with my health problems, that all she can do is watch and wait until I am to a bad point, then leave me. 

Will she leave me? I honestly don’t know. I asked her tonight why do we live differently lives? Why don’t we spend time together anymore? Why do you want to live here? She goes because I love you. Of course, I decided to ask, why do you love me? She gave me the lamest answer I think I’ve heard in a long time. She told me she can’t articulate into words why she loves me. I was flabbergasted at the answer. Seriously? You can’t tell me one reason why you love me?

Am I a fool? Am I just holding onto something that is hopelessly gone to me? Sadly, the voices in my head tell me, see you are worthless. No one wants you. That comes from my years of abuse from my, now dead, step-father. I look at myself, and all I see is fat and ugly. I am so programmed that when I look at photos of myself, I don’t see beauty. I see my fat legs, my fat thighs,  how horrible I look. I don’t see the beauty of me. I want to though. I want to say, look, I don’t care what you think, I’m beautiful.

My Master has given me the assignment of going to Dirty Show this weekend. Funny enough my therapist plans on going too, so she gave me the assignment to get out of the house too, and go have fun. I don’t want to have fun when I’m hurting inside. I want to have a partner who loves me. I know Master loves me, but really, sometimes I wonder why. Again, the tapes in my head telling me how ugly, worthless, and fat I am. 

The other assignment given to me by Master is to do a lingerie/nude photo shoot. Of course, I’m going to do it because He desires it from me, but I still worry about how I will look. I am worried, I won’t look the way He thinks I look. Will I still see myself as fat, ugly, worthless, and ultimately, unlovable? I don’t know. I sure hope I don’t. I hope to find that I’m able to get photos that make me so happy I cry from the pleasure of knowing when Master sees them, He will remember why He loves me every day. 

Maybe, just maybe, one day I’ll learn to love myself, again.

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Startings of Thoughtful Thursday

February 3, 2012 by 2 Comments

Good evening all you wonderful fans of A Woman and Her Wand. This week we are starting a new fun thing called Thoughtful Thursdays. This is all about you our readers and what you want to know and sometimes, just when I don’t have anything else to write, what I feel.

Since this is our first installment, I’m going to be writing about how this works and some of my own thoughts for you to listen to. This is going to work in a fun way. Every question, comment, article, thoughts, wonderings, or just about anything you’d like to be seen written here for Thoughtful Thursdays or just from any of us girls you’re welcome to ask. I’d like to have all things you want to discuss emailed to me at DiabolicalKitty@AWomanandHerWand.com. This way I get everything sent to me, and your emails can be seen immediately. I’ll post a new topic every week for the next week, so if we can’t get anything that isn’t on that topic, I do have other things to write about.

So, onto next week’s topic of conversation. Consent….I’d love to know your thoughts, comments, questions, concerns, and what this means to you.

This week, I’d like to talk about emotion and depression. I’m dealing with this really hard right now. I was raped two weeks ago. I can’t go into details, as this is still being investigated. I’m dealing with a ton of emotions on how I feel. Today was a really bad day. I was on a huge roller coaster of emotions. I woke up just dragging major ass and didn’t really want to get out of bed. I dragged myself out to bed to help my wife Sophiea get the kids ready for school and so she can take them. My oldest two children attend school and my youngest is still at home. So, while she was off taking the oldest 2 to school, I was watching the youngest.

Sadly, so many emotions caught up to me because my now ex-girlfriend was leaving today. Sophiea was taking her home shortly after she got back from taking the kids to school. She was all packed up and ready to leave, and my heart was hurting really badly. I just couldn’t believe someone I loved so much was leaving me. I had given her a lot of my life, shared my children with her, shared my home, and made her a part of my family. Sadly, this wasn’t good enough for her. Firstly, she wanted drugs. I just couldn’t condone it. Plus, I really didn’t have all that sort of extra cash on hand to be paying for it, since she didn’t have a job. She, like my wife, are trans women. I love trans women a lot. I have a submissive girl, who is a trans woman also. Let me explain here, I am what they call polyamorus. I have multiple, intimate relationships, which are all consenting and everyone knows about each other. Nothing is kept a secret. Secrets cause jealousy, and we feel secrets are cheating as well.

Sitting there watching my ex-girlfriend get her things together to pack the van and leave, I just broke down. I started crying uncontrollably and feelings of worthlessness crept into my head. I became very suicidal and just didn’t care of wanting to live anymore. I know you’re probably saying, but you have kids. Honestly, as much as I love my kids, I was in a very deep dark place. When you’ve been raped, many things happen to you. You hate yourself, you end up finding a black hole and crawling into it. You are instilled with fear, self loathing, guilt, shame, blame, and mostly a feeling of being powerless and weak. That’s my gammit of emotions I’ve been dealing with.

I had my Domme come and basically put Her foot into my ass about letting these emotions take a hold of me. I had been put on 3 new medications and I was feeling worse because I could take care of things myself. I’ve always been the strong person. Not being strong made me feel even worse. After the discussion with my Domme, a funny thing happened. A box from UPS showed up at my door. I was excited as I knew I had many packages coming to me. I just didn’t realize which one it was. This one happened to be the new toy I had gotten for my review from Babeland. Oh my god, I was really excited as my Domme was still here with me. So, Her and I tore the boxes open and started to figure out the G4 Big Boss Vibe. This thing was huge, and you will all get my review as soon as my infections heal up. We, being women, and being both quite versed in sex toys decided we were going to plug it in. I will say this, you will want to read the review because you will laugh at the fact it took us 1/2 an hour to figure out how to plug this in. I have to say we didn’t read the instructions but they weren’t really any help in the first place.

So, tell me….Have you felt this way? Do you know where I’m coming from? Have stories, questions, concerns, advice, help, etc? Please do email me. I’d love to hear from you all!

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