So close to spring being here full time gives me chills that this stupid winter depression is almost over. Sadly, i’m fighting within myself over my feelings for my children. i love my children to death, don’t get me wrong, but i’m feeling guilt, regret, and anger over the fact i became a mom so young. Yes, it was my choice, and no i wouldn’t change a thing. These are my kids and i love them. i just wish sometimes i had the chance to do whatever the hell i wanted. To be busy, or lazy, or just productive more than i feel like i can be some days. Some days i just wish to do whatever the hell i want and not worry about kids. Not to wake up at 7am every day thinking about kids, school, homework, dinner, kids clothes, when’s friday so they go to their dads, etc. Not to have to go to bed at night at 11pm thinking about kids and school and all the other stuff again. Just to be able to do whatever i want and not be held down by kids. Lita came to me for a hug this morning and i pulled her close and hugged her hard. i love them so much, and it’s my own selfishness that wants those things, not because i don’t love my kids. At least i’m not the only one feeling this way. It must be something everyone is feeling. i’ve talked to more than one person, Gerilynn included, that feel that way over their kids right now. Maybe it’s in the water.
Woke up with my face, head, and back all hurting today. Not a great day. Lucky enough, my therapist called me this morning, and i had my appointment over the phone instead of having to go in. She wanted to have lunch today, which would have been when my appointment was, so we just talked on the phone about yesterday, what’s happening over the weekend, the guy i met yesterday, and just bullshitted basically. Was nice to know when i’m in pain like this i don’t have to go out to the therapist today. So, i didn’t skip therapy, just changed how it happened, and when it happened. So i can get more things done today.
Ended up seeing on youtube this morning a lot of fairy tales are being remade into more adult versions. Not adult as in our kinky fucked up minds, but adult as in not cartoons, the main character kicking ass instead of sitting back waiting on prince charming to do all the work. i think it’s great that people are seeing fairy tales coming back to life and in whole new ways. Sometimes that’s all we need to see that even us, as normal, not fairy tale inclined people, can have dreams too. We can have our own fairy tales to come true for us, if we just work hard enough and be willing to make the changes we need to make in our lives to make the “impossible” more POSSIBLE.