rape

Theme: Thoughtful Thursdays

March 15, 2012 by Willow 1 Comment

So close to spring being here full time gives me chills that this stupid winter depression is almost over. Sadly, i’m fighting within myself over my feelings for my children. i love my children to death, don’t get me wrong, but i’m feeling guilt, regret, and anger over the fact i became a mom so young. Yes, it was my choice, and no i wouldn’t change a thing. These are my kids and i love them. i just wish sometimes i had the chance to do whatever the hell i wanted. To be busy, or lazy, or just productive more than i feel like i can be some days. Some days i just wish to do whatever the hell i want and not worry about kids. Not to wake up at 7am every day thinking about kids, school, homework, dinner, kids clothes, when’s friday so they go to their dads, etc. Not to have to go to bed at night at 11pm thinking about kids and school and all the other stuff again. Just to be able to do whatever i want and not be held down by kids. Lita came to me for a hug this morning and i pulled her close and hugged her hard. i love them so much, and it’s my own selfishness that wants those things, not because i don’t love my kids. At least i’m not the only one feeling this way. It must be something everyone is feeling. i’ve talked to more than one person, Gerilynn included, that feel that way over their kids right now. Maybe it’s in the water.

Woke up with my face, head, and back all hurting today. Not a great day. Lucky enough, my therapist called me this morning, and i had my appointment over the phone instead of having to go in. She wanted to have lunch today, which would have been when my appointment was, so we just talked on the phone about yesterday, what’s happening over the weekend, the guy i met yesterday, and just bullshitted basically. Was nice to know when i’m in pain like this i don’t have to go out to the therapist today. So, i didn’t skip therapy, just changed how it happened, and when it happened. So i can get more things done today.

Ended up seeing on youtube this morning a lot of fairy tales are being remade into more adult versions. Not adult as in our kinky fucked up minds, but adult as in not cartoons, the main character kicking ass instead of sitting back waiting on prince charming to do all the work. i think it’s great that people are seeing fairy tales coming back to life and in whole new ways. Sometimes that’s all we need to see that even us, as normal, not fairy tale inclined people, can have dreams too. We can have our own fairy tales to come true for us, if we just work hard enough and be willing to make the changes we need to make in our lives to make the “impossible” more POSSIBLE.

Filed Under: Thoughtful Thursdays Tagged With: Bdsm, D/s, depression, Emotions, feelings, Future, Happiness, Kink, Kitty, Kitty's Journal, Kitty's Journey, poly, polyamorus, rape, submissive, Thoughtful Thursday, Thoughtful Thursdays

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Theme: Thoughtful Thursday

March 8, 2012 by Willow 1 Comment

Today is a day about therapy. Do you think you need therapy? Do you think therapy is a good healthy part of life that all people need? As submissive women and men, do you think that therapy is something needed?

Personally, I think therapy is something needed for everyone. Someone that doesn’t pass judgement on you or make you feel bad for the way you are feeling. Someone to help you when you really need it, and someone to vent to when there is no one else left to just let out all that anger and frustration to. I know being a slave myself, that honestly, if I was to say to my Master half the anger and frustrations that I have, I’d be in trouble a lot. That is something I definitely don’t want.

I have found that therapy has become my friend when things have become tough and cannot do them alone anymore. My therapist is great because she is very kink friendly, and what she doesn’t know she is willing to learn. Which having a therapist like this is more than awesome. She has helped me find my way back to the way of the living again and now feel like I am stuck in my head and my home.

Today we talked about new goals and objectives for me. I think this is something that everyone needs to do with their therapist. Keep this up to date as you achieve those goals. Working towards goals with your therapist will help you find out what you need to work on and not play the game of going into his/her office and venting. If you don’t have goals to achieve than that therapy will just turn into a constant bitch and moan session.

My goals as of late are working on my agoraphobia, my depression, my decision making skills, and building healthy relationships. I know I have these problems and recognizing them and acknowledging them is my first step to making them better and not letting them rule my life. Sadly, too many people don’t do this. They don’t want to know what their problems are they just want to ignore them and pretend everything is good with them. I’m realistic. I know I have problems, and I am finding the ways to fix them and fix me so I can become a healthier person.

Finding ways to become a healthier person is the best way for any of us to find healthier places in ourselves and within our relationships. Just remember that and you’ll find yourself down a happier and healthier path for the rest of your life.

Filed Under: Thoughtful Thursdays Tagged With: Bdsm, D/s, depression, Emotions, Happiness, Kink, Kitty, Kitty's Journal, Kitty's Journey, poly, polyamorus, rape, submissive, Thoughtful Thursday, Thoughtful Thursdays

Theme: Thoughtful Thursday

March 1, 2012 by Willow Leave a Comment

Leap day. Such is the day for odd things to be happening to me. Elizabeth finished her room already. She knew exactly what she wanted and got it done quickly. Honestly, i think big brother Damon helped her out a lot. i’ll be posting what she wrote in our journal about what she wanted done. There is even a special place for “Uncle Tim” she says. Finding out that she cares for Him a lot too. In her own special way of course. She’s not really had others that cared for her or watched out for her so it’s a big deal for her.

The class Vina had me attend with her really was worth going to, even though i left a dance for it. Really, i didn’t want to go, but since it was my sister and she asked me, of course i’d go. i had no clue what the topic was on, but it happened to be something that we both needed. Hearing that i’m not the only subbie that is going through abuse (i know vina has too) or that goes through the non-stop put downs, helped me a lot. i made a new friend there, and hopefully we’ll support each other some.

The topic hit really close to home for me. It’s something i’ve always done and i hate that i do it. Some of the other girls really helped with things that help them. Vina made a really good point like affirmations. She brought up an idea about reading assignments? You’ll have to ask her because i think i’m as clueless about this as i can be. She also asked me to post my entries about the book too if i would. i will copy them over tomorrow. With all that has gone on, i think we are actually hopefully bonding a bit more as of late. She is really helping me and really helping me help myself.

Finding that putting myself down doesn’t help me or help You help me has really got me thinking why do i do it? It’s because my self worth has never been promoted or encouraged. It’s always been beaten down and has gotten me to beat myself down. Would i agree if Master would do it? Hell NO! i wouldn’t allow it. He’s an amazing wonderful man. Then why oh why can’t i believe it about myself? Because i haven’t gotten that from anyone. Master does though. He tries to uplift me in ways no one else ever has. i’ve only had crap for family, boyfriends, husband, doms, dommes, etc. BUT that is where i need to change things. Stop letting those sort of people into my life and stop believing the crap they’ve drilled into my head.

Sis asked me if i had ever read anything on protocols or learned anything about protocols. Honestly, no i haven’t. All that i’ve learned is sort of been picked up along the way. Some just watching others and learning from them. Honestly, i’ve had no formal training at all. Well really no training of any sort. It’s been more of just learning and doing as i go. That’s changing though with Master. He is helping me learn the way and the mannerisms, and so much more of being a slave. Honestly, i never thought i’d be here, calling myself a slave. i always fought with everyone, no no no i’m a submissive. i could never be a slave. Look here, i’ve changed that entire part of my life. i’m a happy slave girl and wouldn’t have it any other way. i want to be Master’s slave, owned property. i haven’t found myself in any happier place than being here, at His feet, serving Him, and pleasing Him. It is where i belong and hopefully exactly where i’ll stay.

Filed Under: Thoughtful Thursdays Tagged With: Bdsm, D/s, depression, Emotions, feelings, Happiness, Kink, Kitty, Kitty's Journal, Kitty's Journey, poly, polyamorus, rape, submissive, Thoughtful Thursday, Thoughtful Thursdays

Theme: Thoughtful Thursdays

February 16, 2012 by Willow Leave a Comment

How do you figure out if your relationship has gone stale? How do you figure out if the person whom you live with and “loves” you doesn’t really love you anymore? Are you living two separate lives?

Today I realized that with me and my partner Sophie. We live together 24/7 with my 3 children. We have been living this way since September, but have been living together with others since this time last year. We seem to be living our own lives living under the same roof. We only seem to interact when it comes to the children. I honestly, feel like I’m being played a fool. I feel like she stays here because it’s comfortable for her. I worry that with my health problems, that all she can do is watch and wait until I am to a bad point, then leave me.

Will she leave me? I honestly don’t know. I asked her tonight why do we live differently lives? Why don’t we spend time together anymore? Why do you want to live here? She goes because I love you. Of course, I decided to ask, why do you love me? She gave me the lamest answer I think I’ve heard in a long time. She told me she can’t articulate into words why she loves me. I was flabbergasted at the answer. Seriously? You can’t tell me one reason why you love me?

Am I a fool? Am I just holding onto something that is hopelessly gone to me? Sadly, the voices in my head tell me, see you are worthless. No one wants you. That comes from my years of abuse from my, now dead, step-father. I look at myself, and all I see is fat and ugly. I am so programmed that when I look at photos of myself, I don’t see beauty. I see my fat legs, my fat thighs, how horrible I look. I don’t see the beauty of me. I want to though. I want to say, look, I don’t care what you think, I’m beautiful.

My Master has given me the assignment of going to Dirty Show this weekend. Funny enough my therapist plans on going too, so she gave me the assignment to get out of the house too, and go have fun. I don’t want to have fun when I’m hurting inside. I want to have a partner who loves me. I know Master loves me, but really, sometimes I wonder why. Again, the tapes in my head telling me how ugly, worthless, and fat I am.

The other assignment given to me by Master is to do a lingerie/nude photo shoot. Of course, I’m going to do it because He desires it from me, but I still worry about how I will look. I am worried, I won’t look the way He thinks I look. Will I still see myself as fat, ugly, worthless, and ultimately, unlovable? I don’t know. I sure hope I don’t. I hope to find that I’m able to get photos that make me so happy I cry from the pleasure of knowing when Master sees them, He will remember why He loves me every day.

Maybe, just maybe, one day I’ll learn to love myself, again.

Filed Under: Thoughtful Thursdays Tagged With: Bdsm, depression, Emotions, feelings, Kitty, Kitty's Journal, Kitty's Journey, rape, submissive, Thoughtful Thursday, Thoughtful Thursdays

Startings of Thoughtful Thursday

February 3, 2012 by Willow 2 Comments

Good evening all you wonderful fans of A Woman and Her Wand. This week we are starting a new fun thing called Thoughtful Thursdays. This is all about you our readers and what you want to know and sometimes, just when I don’t have anything else to write, what I feel.

Since this is our first installment, I’m going to be writing about how this works and some of my own thoughts for you to listen to. This is going to work in a fun way. Every question, comment, article, thoughts, wonderings, or just about anything you’d like to be seen written here for Thoughtful Thursdays or just from any of us girls you’re welcome to ask. I’d like to have all things you want to discuss emailed to me at DiabolicalKitty@AWomanandHerWand.com. This way I get everything sent to me, and your emails can be seen immediately. I’ll post a new topic every week for the next week, so if we can’t get anything that isn’t on that topic, I do have other things to write about.

So, onto next week’s topic of conversation. Consent….I’d love to know your thoughts, comments, questions, concerns, and what this means to you.

This week, I’d like to talk about emotion and depression. I’m dealing with this really hard right now. I was raped two weeks ago. I can’t go into details, as this is still being investigated. I’m dealing with a ton of emotions on how I feel. Today was a really bad day. I was on a huge roller coaster of emotions. I woke up just dragging major ass and didn’t really want to get out of bed. I dragged myself out to bed to help my wife Sophiea get the kids ready for school and so she can take them. My oldest two children attend school and my youngest is still at home. So, while she was off taking the oldest 2 to school, I was watching the youngest.

Sadly, so many emotions caught up to me because my now ex-girlfriend was leaving today. Sophiea was taking her home shortly after she got back from taking the kids to school. She was all packed up and ready to leave, and my heart was hurting really badly. I just couldn’t believe someone I loved so much was leaving me. I had given her a lot of my life, shared my children with her, shared my home, and made her a part of my family. Sadly, this wasn’t good enough for her. Firstly, she wanted drugs. I just couldn’t condone it. Plus, I really didn’t have all that sort of extra cash on hand to be paying for it, since she didn’t have a job. She, like my wife, are trans women. I love trans women a lot. I have a submissive girl, who is a trans woman also. Let me explain here, I am what they call polyamorus. I have multiple, intimate relationships, which are all consenting and everyone knows about each other. Nothing is kept a secret. Secrets cause jealousy, and we feel secrets are cheating as well.

Sitting there watching my ex-girlfriend get her things together to pack the van and leave, I just broke down. I started crying uncontrollably and feelings of worthlessness crept into my head. I became very suicidal and just didn’t care of wanting to live anymore. I know you’re probably saying, but you have kids. Honestly, as much as I love my kids, I was in a very deep dark place. When you’ve been raped, many things happen to you. You hate yourself, you end up finding a black hole and crawling into it. You are instilled with fear, self loathing, guilt, shame, blame, and mostly a feeling of being powerless and weak. That’s my gammit of emotions I’ve been dealing with.

I had my Domme come and basically put Her foot into my ass about letting these emotions take a hold of me. I had been put on 3 new medications and I was feeling worse because I could take care of things myself. I’ve always been the strong person. Not being strong made me feel even worse. After the discussion with my Domme, a funny thing happened. A box from UPS showed up at my door. I was excited as I knew I had many packages coming to me. I just didn’t realize which one it was. This one happened to be the new toy I had gotten for my review from Babeland. Oh my god, I was really excited as my Domme was still here with me. So, Her and I tore the boxes open and started to figure out the G4 Big Boss Vibe. This thing was huge, and you will all get my review as soon as my infections heal up. We, being women, and being both quite versed in sex toys decided we were going to plug it in. I will say this, you will want to read the review because you will laugh at the fact it took us 1/2 an hour to figure out how to plug this in. I have to say we didn’t read the instructions but they weren’t really any help in the first place.

So, tell me….Have you felt this way? Do you know where I’m coming from? Have stories, questions, concerns, advice, help, etc? Please do email me. I’d love to hear from you all!