How do you figure out if your relationship has gone stale? How do you figure out if the person whom you live with and “loves” you doesn’t really love you anymore? Are you living two separate lives?
Today I realized that with me and my partner Sophie. We live together 24/7 with my 3 children. We have been living this way since September, but have been living together with others since this time last year. We seem to be living our own lives living under the same roof. We only seem to interact when it comes to the children. I honestly, feel like I’m being played a fool. I feel like she stays here because it’s comfortable for her. I worry that with my health problems, that all she can do is watch and wait until I am to a bad point, then leave me.
Will she leave me? I honestly don’t know. I asked her tonight why do we live differently lives? Why don’t we spend time together anymore? Why do you want to live here? She goes because I love you. Of course, I decided to ask, why do you love me? She gave me the lamest answer I think I’ve heard in a long time. She told me she can’t articulate into words why she loves me. I was flabbergasted at the answer. Seriously? You can’t tell me one reason why you love me?
Am I a fool? Am I just holding onto something that is hopelessly gone to me? Sadly, the voices in my head tell me, see you are worthless. No one wants you. That comes from my years of abuse from my, now dead, step-father. I look at myself, and all I see is fat and ugly. I am so programmed that when I look at photos of myself, I don’t see beauty. I see my fat legs, my fat thighs, how horrible I look. I don’t see the beauty of me. I want to though. I want to say, look, I don’t care what you think, I’m beautiful.
My Master has given me the assignment of going to Dirty Show this weekend. Funny enough my therapist plans on going too, so she gave me the assignment to get out of the house too, and go have fun. I don’t want to have fun when I’m hurting inside. I want to have a partner who loves me. I know Master loves me, but really, sometimes I wonder why. Again, the tapes in my head telling me how ugly, worthless, and fat I am.
The other assignment given to me by Master is to do a lingerie/nude photo shoot. Of course, I’m going to do it because He desires it from me, but I still worry about how I will look. I am worried, I won’t look the way He thinks I look. Will I still see myself as fat, ugly, worthless, and ultimately, unlovable? I don’t know. I sure hope I don’t. I hope to find that I’m able to get photos that make me so happy I cry from the pleasure of knowing when Master sees them, He will remember why He loves me every day.
Maybe, just maybe, one day I’ll learn to love myself, again.